I’m upset and I don’t know what to do

Shortly after I posted the previous blog post I got a phone call, it was actually from a social worker.

This is regarding things to help me, i’m disabled and a carer.

With regards to what happened to my children, all the things that are in this blog, I do not make a habit of sharing what happened with people. Granted that is a bit of a weird thing to say when it’s all out there on the internet, but in real life it’s not something I talk about.

I have shared the blog with some professionals involved with my children because I felt it was necessary, I don’t share it with employees of ECC and i’ve never shared it with social workers because of the content of the blog. I don’t think it’s fair to share to people a blog that is detailing the wrongdoings of those who work in the same field for the same organisation

I am being referred for a mental health and wellbeing social worker, definitely something that would be extremely beneficial to me. In talking about being referred I was talking about my family and mentioned twice about a significant event where my children were severely traumatised, I then went on to talk about the period of time where I was trying to make sure that three of my children didn’t kill themselves due to the trauma they had been through. I didn’t specify what had happened, but of course the social worker wanted to know.

So I said it was to do with children’s services and they did very bad things to the children and I had to stop them from killing themselves, and I blame myself. I didn’t go into details.

I imagine she was thinking that ECC did nothing wrong and that it’s a case of they made decisions I didn’t agree with so i’m saying they did things wrong, which is not the case.

I need the mental health and wellbeing social worker, but i’m thinking of saying I don’t want to be referred because of what happened.

How can I work with someone who is going to want to know what has triggered my mental health to be as bad as it is? How can I work with someone who is going to want to know what traumatised the children, and myself? How can I work with someone who is going to want to know why I spent two years trying to stop three of my children from killing themselves?

I’m not going to be believed, because when things go wrong with children’s social care, the family isn’t believed.

How can I work with someone who is going to think i’m making things up?

I can’t.

I could link the social worker up with pages of my blog, but then what if they are wary of working with me thinking everyone ends up on the blog.

That’s why one of the things I was desperate for apart from the apology, was something on paper that stated that my children shouldn’t have been put through the child protection process in the first place.

We had another child services assessment just over a year from the first, and less than a year after the last child protection conference. There was no new information, solely the information that West Essex used, but the assessment was done by those who actually looked at the medical evidence, the 10 years worth of paediatric neurologist letters that prove that two of my children have neurological physical disabilities, as opposed to west essex who refused to look at the letters because it didn’t fit their narrative that I made all of that up and there was nothing wrong with my children.

Heidi Hibbett tortured my babies by stating repeatedly to them there was nothing wrong with them, Heidi Hibbett made them cry and scream, it didn’t matter how much they begged her to listen to them, how much they begged her to believe them when they talked about what the neurologist had told them and how they felt in their own bodies, she continued to berate them for stating what a neurologist had told them and for stating how they feel in their own bodies, telling them what they were saying was untrue.

A new assessment showed that my children were suffering from various disabilities that had affected every aspect of their life and that as a parent I was trying to cope alone with three children with autism, two of which have neurological physical disabilities.

Gabriel Lowrie and Kiran Box stated that all three of my children with autism had been tested for autism, that wasn’t true, they both just said whatever they felt like to build a certain narrative, it didn’t have to be true because they knew they would be believed and they both had the power to stop the actual facts being presented at the child protection conferences.

Kiran Box especially, throwing away the rock solid medical evidence I gave her, probably because she actually did read it, although she said she didn’t, realised that it was conclusive proof that everything they were saying was wrong and that there were no child protection concerns, and decided she would abuse her power by making sure it wasn’t presented at a child protection conference and making sure that every single time I tried to say anything about 10 years of paediatric neurologist appointments and lots of other things there was medical evidence for, she would tell me to stop talking.

Kiran Box is pure evil, she really is. She was an ‘independent’ conference coordinator, no she wasn’t, she literally through away any evidence that went against what she wanted the narrative to be, how she wanted the outcome of the conference to go, and how she wanted my children and myself to suffer, basically because she had the power to make us suffer and knew there was nothing we could do.

Then when she was investigated by ECC themselves, she is totally exonerated by one sentence, which is all the investigation asked her for, she stated that she knew all the evidence. That is literally it, she didn’t have to explain anything about why she threw away all the medical evidence, she didn’t have to explain why in the ICPC she refused to let me even get the medical letters out of my bag that proved my children had neurological disabilities. Nope, because by that stage she had already gotten the job as service manager so her stating she already knew all the evidence, no further explanation about anything, that was the extent of ECC’s investigation, a very biased, very rubbish investigation by someone purporting to be a christian, a christian who when it comes to investigating people who caused a child to attempt to take their own life accepted a one sentence answer from someone who threw away medical evidence because it went against her narrative, allowing an excuse of “She knew all of the medical evidence”. Which begs the question as to why when the evidence shows two of my children suffer from physical neurological disabilites, did she state in a child protection conference that they didn’t, and I had made it all up. If she was already aware of the ten years of paediatric neurologist appointments, diagnosis, signs and symptoms in the children of neurological problems, did she say that?

Both the children have spasticity and that is recorded in the letters that Kiran Box refused to let me get out of my bag in the ICPC, and the same letters were in the medical evidence/timeline document she threw away in front of me before the RCPC, stating she hadn’t read it, why didn’t she mention that? Why did she say I had made it all up if she knew all the medical evidence, why doesn’t Kiran Box think that spasticity in children isn’t something worth mentioning? It’s basically because she is evil, but Lynne Hooper just let her get away with it, as did everyone else.

Anyway, i’m rambling.

I’m a mess, and a mental health and wellbeing social worker would help me a lot, but to help me I would have to state what had happened to a social worker who works for ECC.

My mental health is terrible because of what we went through, and the aftermath, where I had to help my children through the aftermath with no outside help. The second lot of social workers, while wanting to help, couldn’t do much because the children didn’t trust them. They also withdrew very suddenly after my childs suicide attempt when my child was being very vocal about the suicide attempt being directly caused by social care, most notably Heidi Hibbett, although Heidi’s torture of my children was approved by everyone involved, including her manager Jo Prosser, Kiran Box, everyone felt that Heidi torturing my children was acceptable.

Essex County Council still haven’t investigated that. Helen Lincoln, Gavin Jones, and Louise McKinlay all refused to help, with Louise McKinlay threatening me with legal action for even asking.

So right now, something on paper stating that we went through a horrific unnecessary ordeal, and that i’ve spent the last three years cleaning up the mess, including two years spent tryiing to stop three of my children killing themselves without any outside help, just something that would show that my poor mental health is caused by what we went through, and then what I had to deal with to stop my children dying, would be the best thing in the world. Actually it would have been the best thing in the world while my children were wanting to kill themselves and every single morning I had that sinking feeling in my stomach when I went to wake them up, wondering if I would find them dead, as something like that may have prevented all that.

Too late for that now.

I’m suffering really badly and i’m in quite a mess emotionally. I’ve been through so much, i’ve had to deal with so much, i’ve spent so many years stopping my children from killing themselves, along with trying to get ECC to hold themselves accountable, or even to investigate serious complaints, and all i’ve gotten in return from ECC is bullying, humiliation, threats, being called a liar, being treated like we are all nothing and worthless.

Then to add to all of that, Gavin Jones decides to humiliate me by liking my tweet and then doesn’t even offer an explanation, which is causing me a huge amount of distress.

If he ever feels like offering up an explanation he can text me on 07306896851

He won’t

None of them actually care about children and families, none of them.

I feel confident in saying things like that Kiran Box is evil, I feel that in a court situation, where the medical evidence would be shown, together with her refusal to let me show medical letters in the ICPC, and then her throwing away the medical evidence/timeline that I put together while telling me she didn’t read it, with the most horrific evil smug grin on her face, would be found to be an acceptable description by the parent of the children she caused harm to by her actions. She threw medical evidence that would have gotten the children taken off a child protection plan away in front of me, when the children had already suffered significant abuse by social workers and were consistently being told they had nothing wrong with them.

Her actions were evil, and she refused to hold herself accountable for her actions, the only reason I haven’t raised a concern against her with SWE is because I don’t think my mental health would cope with it. If it did end up with a hearing, I would have to face her in a hearing, I would have to see her smug grin again, the smug grin that revelled in my agony as she threw away the evidence that would have gotten my children off the child protection plan and actually gotten them the help they needed if it had been used.

Kiran Box is evil all the way through and I doubt there is any part of her that is good, she is a terrible terrible human being and it makes me physically sick that she is in a position of power with regards to vulnerable children.

So without that precious piece of paper stating that things went wrong, even though ECC have evidence that the first assessment was a load of rubbish given that another assessment using the exact same evidence was all about support for my children’s disabilities, although couldn’t support them regarding the trauma and suicidal ideation caused by their previous dealings with social workers because again, no piece of paper that said things went wrong, i’m left looking like a crazy person trying to explain this all to someone.

It would take hours to explain it properly, especially to someone who is employed as a social worker at Essex County Council.

I am in a mess, I am falling apart, my brain hurts, my thoughts are all foggy, i’m exhausted and utterly burnt out, i’ve been through hell and seen my children go through hell. Even now it’s not over, Gavin Jones and his refusal to provide me with an explanation is a great example.

I’m desperate for the type of help that a mental health and wellbeing social worker would provide, but to be doubted or thought to be making anything up would destroy me.

So I either have to lie, or just not tell the social worker why i’m like I am now, and why my children are like they are and everything to do with that. Either option means that the social worker won’t get the full picture.

This is not the first time this has happened, it has happened a lot, we haven’t been able to take full advantage of help because the kids now know that nobody will listen to them about what they went through, so they stopped talking to people about it. When you tell social workers the reasons why you attempted suicide and they say absolutely nothing, because they cannot, that will make a child not tell anyone else because professionals won’t believe you or take you seriously.

It’s not just what happened initially that was damaging, it’s also everything that happened afterwards, which wouldn’t have happened if ECC had given us an apology, everything would have stopped there. Help would still have been needed for the trauma, but there would have been no further trauma, and the help would have been easier to access with something that said things had gone wrong.

They decided at the beginning they were not going to investigate everything. Robbie Watson-Levey and Shamsun Noor on behalf of Helen Lincoln ensured it wasn’t investigated, even though legally they shouldn’t have. I’m unsure if the both of them are just incompetent, or it was on purpose because they had been told by those above them to protect ECC.

Louise McKinlay helping us was never an option, when it came to helping vulnerable residents or helping ECC keep it’s reputation intact, she was always going to choose to protect her own interests.

I cannot deal with any of this anymore.

I’ve been through so much, and I cannot even access the right help, I can’t accept the referral to the mental health and wellbeing service despite desperately needing it, i’ll have to manage by myself, as i’ve been doing for so long.

I have in effect been told by so many people on behalf of ECC that i’m worthless and nothing, officers and members. I’ve been threatened, humiliated, bullied, ignored, not listened to, this is why i’ll never engage with ECC to do with anything regarding this blog again, because I cannot deal with how they have treated me when all I ever wanted was an apology, to protect myself I will not put myself in a situation where I engage with them.

The only exception is an explanation from Gavin Jones for why he liked my tweet, though to be fair I know that will never happen, so I guess I feel protected from Gavin Jones telling me he liked it because he thought it was funny to humiliate me, which is why I believe he liked it. It fits with the pattern of behaviour towards me and my children from ECC.

What ECC have put me through while I was trying to get a simple apology is disgusting, absolutely disgusting.

I still don’t understand why, all they had to do was apologise, just a simple thing, just say they were sorry, they got things wrong, it never should have happened, blah blah blah. They could have then done whatever, we would have received an apology, we could then have used that when getting help for the trauma we’d all been through.

A suicide attempt would have been averted, 2 years of me all alone trying to prevent three of my children killing themselves would have been averted, it breaks my hear to think that ECC were callous enough to make us suffer even more because they wouldn’t simply apologise. They didn’t even need to investigate, they had enough evidence after the second assessment was done to realise themselves that things had gone wrong, they could have made an apology then.

They were too busy making me jump through hoops and refusing to even investigate at the time. I don’t understand why they did that, it really doesn’t make sense. For the sake of an apology which would have settled the whole thing, they decided to spend all this time watching me have a breakdown because absolutely nobody at ECC was brave enough to stand up and fight for us.

Nobody, not Helen Lincoln, not Gavin Jones, not Louise McKinlay, absolutely nobody put the health, safety, wellbeing, and the lives of my children above an organisation.

They act like they have the moral high ground, but in reality, absolutely nobody is prepared to stand up for what is right.

It’s one of the reasons i’m doing it, because we are not the only ones they have done this to, and most are in a position where they can’t. Morally this is right thing for me to do, someone has to tell the world how they act. It won’t change how they act, not expecting it too, but i’ve had thousands of people read my blog, and each one of those people know how ECC act.

Nobody, not a single person, has been prepared to fight for my family, not a single person. None of them has got what it takes to fight for what is right, none of them has got what is needed to stand up for the rights of vulnerable families, none of them have compassion, none of them have a strong moral code.

When you hear them speak out about something, when you hear them speak out about upholding the rights of people with a protected characteristic, they are only stating it because they know it makes them sound good, and all they are doing is saying it because the tribe is saying it and they want to fit in. None of them would make a stand against homophobia by themselves, none of them would take a stand against disability discrimination by themselves, they only say they do because the tribe says those things, they actually don’t care.

I am disabled, yet Kiran Box forced me to walk up two flights of stairs despite my disability making it unsafe for me to do, because she refused to let me use the lifts. I am fairly certain she repeats the tribe mantra of being inclusive of people with disabilities and doing everything they can to accommodate those with disabilities, in reality she made a vulnerable disabled woman walk up two flights of stairs when it was incredibly painful and incredibly dangerous for that person to do so.

What the tribe says, and what the individuals do when not chanting along with the tribe collective, are two different things. I’m sure Kiran Box goes along with the tribe in stating she would always accommodate a disabled persons needs, yet there she was forcing me to do something that not only caused me a lot of pain, but was also dangerous, and then refused to allow me a break which meant I had to take morphine and rather a lot of diazepam to reduce my pain and stop my muscles from spasming.

Kiran Box, and considering she was acting on behalf of ECC, so ECC itself, is not disability friendly. They refuse to accommodate disabilities, they make disabled people put themselves in dangerous situations, they refuse to allow those who cannot use stairs to use the lift and force them to use stairs causing them to be humiliated.

Yet the tribe still say they do not discriminate against those with disabilities.

They do, they don’t care about disabilities in the slightest, the only organisation who has ever refused to let me use a lift and forced me to use the stairs despite knowing it is dangerous for me to use stairs.

So yeah, this is long, but who cares.

I’m burnt out, exhausted, and the referral to the mental health and wellbeing team would be absolutely perfect, but i’m going to have to refuse it because my mental health is too fragile to cope with the doubt that a social worker will have when I give an outline of what happened to us.

I seriously cannot cope with anything like that again, i’ve had more than my fair share of bullying.

I wish I had what it takes to raise a concern with SWE against Kiran Box, I really do, the public need to be protected against her, ECC are too busy telling her she’s wonderful and promoting her to service manager to actually care how dangerous she is to vulnerable families or doing anything about the harm she’s caused.

I will do a post eventually when emotionally I can cope with it, that goes into detail exactly why i’m calling her actions evil. It will involves quotes from the minutes of the child protection conferences regarding what she said, together with the actual medical evidence that proves she is lying.

It will be the medical evidence that she refused to let me even get out of my bag during the ICPC, and the medical evidence that was in the document that she threw away in front of me with that horrific smug grin on her face making eye contact with me as she did it.

So it will show exactly how dangerous she is as the discrepancy between what she says is the truth in the child protection conferences, and what the evidence actually shows, is huge and rather damning.

That will be a future thing as i’m in no state to deal with it now.