Please help me someone.

Please can someone help me, I cannot cope with this, everytime I try to sleep they start and they refuse to stop.

I’m so tired and I haven’t eaten and I want it all to stop.

I can’t do this and I can’t make them stop.

I only have one way out of this and I don’t want to do it, but I don’t want to hear Heidi Hibbett and Gavin Jones in my head anymore.

How can he do that? How did he get in my head and be laughing at me when i’ve never even spoken to him?

Please can you help me?

There is only one way out of this for me, I cannot deal with this any longer.

I can also hear Gavin Jones saying things but I cannot make out what he is saying, i’ve never even heard his voice, there are videos of him talking on the internet but i’m not strong enough to listen to them.

I’ve written extensively about what happened regarding Essex County Council and childhood sexual abuse and how much it has traumatised me.

Time and time again in detail, on here, on Twitter, detailing not only what happened, but how I felt then, and how I have felt since, including now.

Nobody who knows me knows about this, absolutely nobody. Not even my counsellor.

I can’t talk about it to people because they will think i’m a bad person, I feel so ashamed regarding all of it, the shame has kept me silent and alone.

I know Gavin Jones thinks i’m a terrible person because of what happened, his actions show that. The shame I feel over all of it is horrible, and life threatening, it’s horrible knowing that people have mocked me, forced me into disclosing abuse in front of my son, and everything else, just because I was the victim of childhood sexual abuse. Essex has an extremely high suicide rate, this does not shock me.

Despite three of my children being suicidal at one point, which was caused by the trauma Essex County Council did to them, it didn’t happen. If one of them had, or does, kill themselves, there will be absolutely no link between their death and the cause.

Smart of Gavin Jones to make sure things are not investigated, that way, serious things do not appear officially, and as such when he ass kissing the Members he can tell them how well he is leading the officers at the council, when in fact the whole council is a shambles.

Speaking is different than writing, and so much harder, i’m also anonymous here, with those who know who I am being the ones who have done this.

I wish I had the space to cry properly, I could do with a huge theatrical cry, My crying is silent, it’s solely just tears, a lot of tears, but not noise, I have no privacy to theatrical cry at home, kids would be extremely concerned if they caught me crying so I try not to cry but you cannot stop crying, it just happens. The only physical part of crying you cannot stop is the tears, everything else is mental health related, because it is a fantastic release to make all the noise associated with crying, it’s necessary.

I’ve never spoken about this, not with anyone, it’s all been written, except for three organisations, Samaritans, a sexual abuse helpline, and Essex Police. I literally only gave the barest of details, Literally only saying I was forced to give a disclosure over the phone in front of my child, I was crying a lot with the first two. With the police it was me just saying that I was scared because i’d been forced, and him saying they will only take a disclosure if they could possibly build a case as they don’t want to put victims through any more trauma than they have to and they have people specially trained and it’s all safe.

They couldn’t take it further because you cannot prosecute a dead man.

I sometimes act brave, but i’m not, i’m full of shame over this, hence why I do want to speak out about how Gavin Jones personally, and his employees under his guidance, treat child sexual abuse victims as if they should feel ashamed. It works, i’m too ashamed to actually tell people face to face, those who can help me.

The only people I have in effect told is anyone who works for ECC who reads this, and that is just the written word.

So the only people who know me and know what happened are those who shamed me, humiliated me, traumatised me, and are doing the same to others. Gavin Jones went as far as to make sure it wasn’t investigated so he can keep doing what he has instructed his team to do, and to humiliate victims of child sexual abuse whenever he gets the chance.

I’m not only carrying this alone which is a burden in itself, one of the most powerfully men in Essex hates me so much that he humiliated and shamed me for having been the victim of sexual abuse, a victim of one of his employees, and for having raised a complaint about it, a complaint which he made sure has never been investigated, despite myself contacting him personally to beg him to do something. I also publicly begged him to contact me to give me an explanation, I even gave him my phone number to leave a text message. I tagged enough people who would have contacted him regarding what i’d asked.

Enough people have read the posts I have made about him that if he didn’t see them himself, someone would have told him.

I believe based on his continued behaviour towards me, especially with regards to myself being a victim of sexual abuse. he has not only read my posts but has eagerly been checking for them as he gets a kick out of reading how distressed he has made me, and enjoyed reading about how desperate I was for an explanation and enjoyed the power he has to sit there laughing at me while knowing I am absolutely powerless to do anything about any of it.

Gavin Jones is a bad person, his job is to make the members happy, he saves the council money by deciding what services can be cut or have less money.

He has stated he left his job in the private sector to spend more time with his family and help the public.

He was travelling to Geneva and only coming home at weekends, then his wife got pregnant with his second daughter and he has stated his decision to go into the public sector was based on spending more time with family, as well as helping the public.

So after 6 years at Swindon Council he got his job at ECC.

With a two and a half hour commute, each way, per day. That is the minimum it would take. So a 5 hour commute each day, plus the working day, plus trips all over the country that would need overnight stays. Spending more time with family is a lie.

Helping the public is rubbish, it is not helping the public by cutting services to save money, it’s helping the members, not the people.

He knows how much the residents are screwed by local authorities, why doesn’t he fight for us?

He’s now a commissioner in Slough, why are the public being punished for mistakes they didn’t make?

The top officers made mistakes, the members made mistakes.

Gavin Jones will be cutting services, and there is a high risk of a severely raised council tax in Slough so that the public pays for both the officers and members mistakes. Why not be outspoken about how the Government should pay, solely so that the mistakes that had nothing to do with the residents, and won’t end up costing the innocent residents in terms of services and money. The government likely wouldn’t pay, but I personally would not be able to keep my mouth shut and would be shouting about how unfair it is on the residents.

It’s not the residents of Slough that Gavin is trying to help, it’s himself, to raise his profile, i’l go into this more indepth another time.

I’ve derailed things, subconsciously, so I don’t get to the part of the post where I say that i’m going to tell this to someone face to face.

I’m absolutely terrified, I told Essex County Council what happened, I even told Louise McKinlay, all I got was shamed, humiliated, threatened and a refusal to even investigate, all of that is still ongoing. Louise McKinlay has never taken that threat back, so it’s still active, Essex County Council still hasn’t investigated, and Gavin Jones and Heidi HIbbett are both enjoying themselves watching me be absolutely destroyed over this.

Gavin Jones has acted like an abusive monster towards me, he has immense power and could have done whatever he wanted, he could have used his power to help me, and help other victims of sexual abuse who end up involved with Essex county Council, he could have used his power to make them investigate, even when I made the post that he liked, he could have chosen not to like it, but launched a full investigation into how they deal with sexual abuse victims, he chose to humiliate me. He could have had a change of heart at any point when I was begging for an explanation.

He chose to enjoy my distress and knowingly added to my trauma.

I am terrified about talking to someone, absolutely terrified, my experience has been humiliation and shame as the only responses to what happened, and that is just what Heidi Hibbett did on behalf of Gavin Jones. I will not be disclosing anything other than that I was abused as a child, no details, i’ll never be able to tell anyone what I told Heidi.

I’m scared she is going to think i’m dirty and disgusting and crazy when I tell her, I want to run away and hide, I just couldn’t stop crying.

They both need to get out of my head, Gavin Jones needs to stop laughing at me, and saying whatever he is saying that he won’t even say clear enough for me to hear, he needs to stop, it all needs to stop.

I can’t carry this alone anymore, it will kill me. I have to share it and i’m so scared.

This will never be over, when the one who isn’t dead finally gets caught, i’ll have to report that Essex County Council were told indepth and explicitly what he did to me, that I gave his name, that I said I believe he has contact with children, and they totally ignored it. I will detail exactly the lengths they went to regarding making sure absolutely no safeguarding was done regarding him. I know he will still be abusing children. I was forced to give Heidi his full name, I was forced to give details regarding what he did in horrific detail, none of it is even recorded.

Please please can someone help me, I cannot go on like this, what I just wrote has made me want to shoot myself to forget, I want to forget about all of it, not kill myself but just to destroy the part of my brain where everything regarding all of this is, so I don’t know it every happened and I don’t have to keep reliving it.

I don’t want to discuss what ECC have done regarding this face to face, I can’t do this, she is going to absolutely hate me, I can’t do this.

In my view, Gavin Jones is a worse man than the men who abused me, since I first contacted him to ask for his help to get my complaint investigated, and told him what happened with Heidi, he has used his power to harm me, he sits there with all of this power, being able to chose whether to help or harm, and he chooses harm. He is sick and twisted.