No explanation

Upset, but not shocked.

It was horrific having to write out what had happened in the hope i’d get an explanation, i’d refused to give up hope of getting one.

It was horrible, flashbacks, bad feeling inside, feeling dirty and just plain horrible, it has affected my mental health.

I know that people from Essex County Council has seen what i’ve written and those who have would have been able to give Gavin Jones a heads up that the post was there. It is my opinion that he knows that my post literally begging him to give me an explanation was there.

He just hasn’t got the compassion to put me out of my misery.

That says all anyone needs to know about him

It’s affected me badly , i’m struggling to sleep and having nightmares and flashbacks. I keep on raising my left index finger to my head making a gun shape with my hand and pretending to shoot myself in the head, this isn’t purposeful, it just keeps happening.

I believe it’s probably a mixture of wanting the pain, humiliation, and felling of worthlessness to go, and feeling humiliated because I begged someone for an explanation and totally got ignored.

I’m not suicidal but my subconscious wants the pain and humiliation I feel to disappear, at least that is what I think.

The only plus that I can even think of to all of this is that I don’t have to delete all the posts, tweets, and facebook posts that pertain to anything to do with Gavin Jones liking my tweet.

Actually not sure that is a plus to be honest, the posts themselves are so triggering and just heartbreaking that deleting them would have been great, it is what it is and they stay.

I wish someone with some compassion and humanity had come along and contacted me. Some people haven’t been able to read the whole post because they find it too upsetting, which is fair enough.

I had to live through what some people are not able read about, and not one single employee at Essex County Council has an ounce of compassion for what I went through, what i’m still going through.

I desperately hope they do take legal action against me, what Gavin Jones has just done, liking my Tweet and then not even having any compassion to contact me and give me an explanation.

The truth is i’m a vulnerable woman, I am a sexual abuse survivor who was forced to talk about the intimate details of the abuse over the phone and with my son present, I begged no to, but wasn’t allowed.

I don’t know who at Essex County Council gets off on making women go through this, is it Kiran Box? Helen Lincoln?

Given Gavin Jones lied the fact that I was forced to disclose intimate details of abuse in front of my son, does he get off on making women go through that? He liked my tweet and then has refused to give me an explanation.

I don’t know, in the abscence of knowing why, all I have is questions and my own theories.

I fully accept i’m an easy target, i’m extremely vulnerable, and I always think that people will do the right thing.

I honestly thought he’d contact me after I poured my heart out and described in depth how I felt, I honestly thought that by the weekend i’d be deleting any mention of Gavin Jones liking my tweet from here and on social media.

What I hadn’t taken into account was the complete lack of compassion towards residents in Essex by those in a position of power in Essex.

I can’t cope, I can’t get rid of the flashbacks, the pain and thebleeding, I don’t want to remember any more.

I’ve got to pull myself together, i’ve got to tell everyone

I’ve got to make sure that every single resident in Essex knows what Gavin Jones did, and get them to read the sequence of events, including the desperate pleading for him to contact me to give me an explanation. What kind of person would ignore that?

I can’t cope with how I feel, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t want to remember, I don’t want to, I want it all to go away.

I’ve got to bury the pain deep and get this out there

I would much rather have been deleting any trace of Gavin Jones liking my tweet because he gave me an explanation, instead I am going to have be brave and go full throttle getting this out there.

I can’t cope with everyone knowing what I went through, I cannot cope with everyone knowing that i’m worthless and bad and deserved not only what happened to me when I was a child, but also that I deserved what Heidi did, and then deserved what Gavin Jones did, I don’t want people to know that

People will think i’m disgusting and I can’t cope with that, but I need to cope with that to get the story out there,

I can’t do this, I can’t cope with this, I don’t want to do this, I justt want to go home, I want to be safe instead of doing this.

I can’t do this, but what if they do it to someone else and that someone kills themself

What if it’s a child?

That would be my fault if that happened, i’ve got to tell everyone, not just my usual mild sharing of posts.

I have to mount a vigourous campaign to get this out there, not just posts and social media, but emails to the relevant people, and phone calls, to get my story being shared by those who are important so people will see it.

I feel so sad and dirty and want it all to stop.

Please make it stop